


Incorrect 123 Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [19]
Category: Sesame Street (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pitch Perfect Fusion, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-10-21 09:33:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20691314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: Bert, a freshman at Barden University, is cajoled into joining The Bellas, his school's incredibly strict singing group. Injecting some much-needed energy into their repertoire, The Bellas take on their rivals in a campus competition.





	Incorrect 123 Quotes

**Author's Note:**

> more from April  
* Elizabeth is a real character from Sesame Street. She was a little green muppet from season 29 through 32. She had red hair and a cat called Little Murray Sparkles.

     **Betty Lou**: _[trying to fix Elmo's scarf]_ Elmo, look at you! You're a mess! You're unfocused. You're unreliable. And your breath smells like egg. Like, all the time. I can't believe the Bellas are being passed on to you two slut bags after we graduate. _[to Abby]_ Just don't fuck up your solo.
     **Abby Cadabby**: I won't disappoint you. My dad always says, "If you're not here to win, get the hell outta Kuwait."
     **Betty Lou**: Has your dad ever told you to shut up?

* * *

     **Oscar**: When you came in, and you were just strummin' the guitar, and it was like, totally off-key, I wanted to **CHOKE** you!
     **Grover**: Oscar...
     **Oscar**: I wanted to choke you out!

* * *

     **Elmo**: What's your name?
     **Cookie Monster**: Cookie Monster.
     **Abby**: You call yourself "Cookie Monster"?
     **Cookie**: Yeah, so twig bitches like Abby don't do it behind Cookie Monster's back.

* * *

     **Elmo**: So, are you interested?
     **Bert**: Sorry, it's just... it's pretty lame.
     **Abby**: A-ca-_SCUSE_ me? Synchronized lady dancing to a Mariah Carey chart-topper is NOT lame!
     **Elmo**: We sing all over the world, and we compete in national championships!
     **Bert**: On purpose?
     **Abby**: We played the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre, you bitch!!

* * *

    _[Elmo has burst, stark naked, into Bert's stall while he's showering]_
     **Elmo**: You _have_ to audition for the Bellas!
     **Bert**: I can't concentrate on anything you're saying until you cover your junk.
     **Elmo**: Just consider it! One time, we sang back-up for Eminem. His butt is so tiny that I can hold it with, like, one hand.

* * *

     **Roosevelt**: _[to prospective Treblemakers]_ For the audition, you will sing 16 bars of [Kelly Clarkson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kelly_Clarkson)'s 'Since You've Been Gone'. If a group likes you, they will contact you directly. My tone-deaf sidekick, Baby here, will be collecting your information.
     **Baby Bear**: If I could sing a lick, I would. But I can't. And I hate myself everyday because of it.
     **Roosevelt**: I know. But if you think this is just some high school club where you can sing and dance your way through any social issue... Or confused sexuality, you have come to the wrong place. There is none of that here. That's high school. This shit is real life. Now, don't just bring it, sing it, and let's do this.

* * *

     **Count**: Well, well, well, look who's in "treble."
     **Oscar**: Ah, classic pun.
     **Count**: I know.
    

* * *

     **Bert's Dad**: You've been here, what, a month now? Do you have any friends?
     **Bert**: Curly Bear is my friend.
     **Curly Bear**: _[shaking her head]_ No!

* * *

     **Abby**: The Trebles don't respect us, and if we let them penetrate us, we are giving them our power.
     **Cookie Monster**: Not a good enough reason to use the word 'penetrate.'

* * *

     **Elmo:** I have a feeling that we're going to be really good friends.
     **Bert:** Well, you saw me naked, so...
     **Elmo:** All right. I'm gonna go get a drink. This ginger needs his jiggle juice.
     **Bert:** Make good choices...

* * *

     **Rosita**: I have a confession to make.
     **Cookie Monster**: We all know where this is going. Lesbi-honest.
     **Rosita**: This is hard for me to admit to you guys, but for the past two years, I have had a serious...gambling problem.
     **Cookie**: What?
     **Bert**: What?
     **Rosita**: It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend.
     **Cookie**: Whomp, there it is!

* * *

     **Bert**: _[about Elmo's vocal cord nodes]_ Isn't that painful? Why would you keep performing?
     **Elmo**: Because I love to sing.
     **Elizabeth**: Yeah, it's like when my lady doctor told me not to have sex for six weeks, and I did it anyway.
     **Cookie**: Elizabeth should really listen to Elizabeth's doctor.
     **Elizabeth**: Meh.

* * *

     **Cookie**: _[out of breath from learning choreography]_ Me should have taken that cardio tip more seriously.
     **Abby**: How much have you done?
     **Cookie**: Abby just saw it.

* * *

     **Oscar:** You are probably the grossest human being I've ever seen.
     **Cookie Monster:** Well, Oscar no panty-dropper yourself.
     **Oscar:** So I have a feeling...that we should kiss. Is that feeling a good feeling or an incorrect feeling?
     **Cookie:** Well me sometimes have a feeling me can do crystal meth. But then me think hmm...better not.

* * *

     **Abby**: I know you have a toner for Ernie.
     **Bert**: A what?
     **Abby**: A toner. A musical boner. I saw it on Hood Night. It's distracting.
     **Bert**: Yeah, that's not a thing, and you're not the boss of me. So...
     **Abby**: You took an oath.
     **Bert**: That oath cost you two girls already today. I'm pretty sure you need me more than I need you. _[starts to walk away]_
     **Abby**: I can see your toner through those jeans!!
     **Bert**: That's my dick.

* * *

     **Guy**: The bad boys of a cappella have just gotten badder!
     **Zoe**: Whoo! That's right, John, I'm gonna have to excuse myself to freshen up the downtown.
     **Guy**: Can I help?

* * *

     **Bert**: You must really sweep your boyfriend off her feet.
     **Ernie**: Oh I don't have a boyfriend.
     **Bert**: _[sarcastically]_ What!? No! You have juice pouches and Rocky!
     **Ernie**: Okay, so what do you wanna watch first?
     **Bert**: Can we do something else? We could relive my parents' divorce. Or visit a gynecologist.
     **Ernie**: What, do you not like movies or something? _[Bert gives him a look]_ Like, any movies? You don't...What the hell is wrong with you? How do you not like movies? Not liking movies is like not liking puppies.
     **Bert**: They're fine. I just get bored and never make it to the end.
     **Ernie**: The endings are the best part!
     **Bert**: They're predictable. Like, the guy gets the girl, and that kid sees dead people, and Darth Vader is Luke's father.
     **Ernie**: Okay, right, so you just happened to guess the biggest cinematic reveal in history?
     **Bert**: "Vader" in German means father. His name is _literally_ "Darth Father."
     **Ernie**: ...So you know German. Well, now I know why you don't like fun things.

* * *

     **Ernie**: _[after helping get Bert out of jail]_ Hey, Hilary Swank from Million Dollar Baby.
     **Bert**: Hey, you know you just have to say, "Hey, Million Dollar Baby." You don't have to reference the specific actress.
     **Ernie**: Damn, prison changed you.

* * *

    _[Bert returns to his room after being released from jail]_
     **Cookie Monster**: What up, Shawshank?
     **Rosita**: Did you get yourself a bitch?
     **Cookie Monster**: Did they spray Bert with a hose?
     **Prairie**: _[quietly]_ I did a turn at County.

* * *

     **Zoe**: The Barden Bellas went deep into the archive for that song, John. I remember singing it with my own a cappella group.
     **Guy**: And what group was that, Gail?
     **Zoe**: The Minstrel Cycles, John.
     **Guy**: Well, that's an unfortunate name.

* * *

     **Grover**: _[notices Cookie at the gas station that the Treblemakers are passing in their bus]_ Yo, Oscar, is that Cookie Monster?
     **Oscar**: Count, slow down. Slow down! Yeah! _[runs to the window]_ Hey, Cookie? SABOTAGE!! _[chucks his burrito out of the window, and it hits Cookie Monster in the chest]_
     **Cookie**: Ugh! _[the Trebles laugh as they drive away]_ Me been shot. Me just been SHOT! Help me! _[slowly collapses]_
     **Rosita**: _[gets out of the bus]_ Cookie Monster! They shot Cookie! I've got you, I've got you. _[tries to help Cookie Monster by giving him mouth to mouth]_
     **Cookie**: No, no, no, I'm talking, Me talking... Me sitting up.
     **Rosita**: All right, cool. _[Bert and Prairie get out to help]_
     **Cookie**: There's no need for that. No mouth to mouth. Oh, shit! Oscar threw a big-ass burrito at me! Me gonna kill Oscar, me swear. Me am gonna finish Oscar like a cheesecake!

* * *

     **Zoe**: Whoo, that little peanut can sing!
     **Guy**: He really can. It sounds to me, though, Zoe, like his boys haven't dropped yet, if you know what I mean.
     **Zoe**: If you mean his testicles, then I do, Guy. I do. I really do.

* * *

     **Elizabeth**: Well, I'll confess something that none of you know about me. I have a lot of sex.
     **Cookie Monster**: Yeah, we know Elizabeth.
     **Elizabeth**: Only 'cause I just told you.
     **Bert**: This is a good idea. That was a pretty...bad example, but this is a good idea.

* * *

     **Cookie Monster**: Come on, me joined this group so me could hang out with a bunch of really cool peeps. And also 'cause me was really sick of all my boyfriends and me need to get away from that. But this is some serious horseshit.

* * *

     **Prairie**: I set fires to feel joy.
     **Oscar**: That's adorable.

* * *

     **Abby**: Anyone else?
     **Prairie**: I ate my twin in the womb.


End file.
